Forgiveness: Releasing resentment without forgetting

If we all tried, we can probably think back to at least one moment in life where we have felt someone has wronged us.You probably feel past emotions rise up again - anger, sadness, betrayal. I think one of the main reasons we remember these experiences to such a degree is because of who hurt us. Whether it be a family member, a friend, or a partner, those closest to us can hurt us deeply. So how do we overcome this?

Forgiveness is often misunderstood. We tend to believe that in forgiving somebody, we are excusing the harm they caused and reconciling. But, a simple reframe can give us a new insight into forgiveness - it’s not about them, it’s about you. At its core, forgiveness is an act of self-care, a means to free yourself from the emotional weight of your anger and resentment. In forgiving those who have hurt us, we do not need to forget the harm done, but we do allow ourselves to move forward without letting the experience dictate our future.

The emotional toll of resentment

Resentment can be a scary weight. It’s almost self-sabotage. Resentment is housing a fire inside you, hoping it burns someone else. We know that unresolved anger and resentment impacts our mental and physical health. Side effects like chronic stress and poor sleep are only a fraction of what it can do to us.

So, if we know the emotional toll of resentment, and we know the impacts it has on our own health, why is it still difficult to forgive? Like I said earlier, forgiveness is misunderstood as an act of kindness or mercy on others. We hold onto resentment because it acts as a symbol of our self-respect. We think, ‘That person wronged me, and I will hold onto my anger because I don’t accept their actions’. Carrying resentment is proof that we do not condone what has been done to us. But, who are we proving ourselves to? It’s the same theory as the fire that we hold hoping it burns someone else.

Reframing forgiveness

Forgiveness is a choice we make. It doesn’t mean letting go of your boundaries or forgetting what happened. It means shifting your perspective to prioritise your well-being. If holding onto resentment doesn’t change the wrongdoer’s behaviour, why should we harbour anger that is only hurting yourself?

Focus on your healing

Forgiveness creates emotional space for your own healing. Reflect on how much energy you’ve spent reliving the wrong or holding onto anger. Imagine how freeing it would feel to redirect that energy toward things that bring you joy.

Separate the act from the person

Often, we resist forgiveness because it feels like we’re condoning bad behaviour. But forgiving someone doesn’t mean you approve of their actions. It means you’re choosing not to let those actions define your emotional state. We can choose to forgive in silence. Forgiveness is not for others, it is for you.

Recognise your power

When you forgive, you take control of your narrative. Instead of being a victim to what happened, you reclaim your agency. You’re no longer allowing someone else’s actions to dictate your happiness or peace of mind.

Practical steps toward forgiveness

Forgiveness isn’t a switch you flip; it’s a process. While forgiveness can seem feasible at a distance, practicing it may be harder if something has happened recently.

Practice self-compassion

Acknowledge that forgiveness is hard and that it’s okay to struggle with it. In attempting to forgive someone, we should not villainise our anger. Validate your anger and treat yourself with the kindness to know you deserve better than carrying the burden of resentment.

Engage in reflective practices

For some, journaling can be beneficial in processing your feelings and gaining clarity. Whether you sit down and write about what happened and how it made you feel, or talk into the quiet of your thoughts, it can be a great way to release pent-up emotions. Putting our feelings into words can simplify the process of understanding our emotional state.

Set healthy boundaries

I can’t stress this enough, forgiveness is not an acceptance of someone else’s behaviour. In forgiving wrongdoing, you do not need to re-enter a situation or relationship with a harmful dynamic. In some instances, forgiveness can involve the other person and a repair of trust. In other instances, forgiveness will be from a distance. Whatever helps you protect your peace is what you should prioritise.

Moving forward

Forgiveness is one of the most profound acts of self-care you can undertake. It’s not about making someone else feel better or forgetting what happened—it’s about giving yourself the gift of peace. By reframing forgiveness as a way to nurture yourself, you can free up emotional energy to focus on what truly matters: your happiness, growth, and inner strength.

Choosing forgiveness isn’t easy, but it’s a choice worth making—for you.

With warmth,

Ruchi.