Grieving yourself

When you hear the word grief, your mind may immediately turn to the experience of losing a loved one. However, the kind of grief I want you to think about today is slightly similar and also vastly different to this. Think about the grief of losing yourself.

As humans, we evolve through multiple stages in life. With each milestone comes a newfound puzzle piece to the greater picture of our identity.

On the path of self-discovery and introspection, there comes a point, or various points throughout our journey, where we look back on somebody that we once were. Many times, this dissonance between our perceived past and present identities can cause us to wonder whether we have lost ourselves.

However, the key here is to recognise change. On one hand, change is an inevitable constant within our lives that fosters individual and personal growth. On the other hand, it can be an uncomfortable process that brings uncomfortable feelings to the surface. For example, you may look back on a person you were months, or even years ago, and not recognise them anymore.

You might look back on a younger version of yourself who was more confident, outspoken or comfortable in their skin. You may wish to live in these moments again.

Or, you may look back on a younger version of yourself who didn’t learn to speak up for themselves and often shied away from the spotlight. You may reminisce on this past self with self-pity.

Often, this type of nostalgia can develop into shame, especially if we hold negative feelings towards who we once were, or self-deprecating beliefs for no longer identifying with that version anymore. The danger of this shame is that it can overpower your self-compassion and lead to harmful belief systems that negatively impact your self-esteem.

In accepting the inherent nature of change that shifts our identity, self-perception and belief systems, we will benefit from also accepting that in “losing” who we once were, we gained who we now are. Despite anybody’s standards of which version is “better” than the rest, the truth lies in the reality that you, this current version, are here now.

I am not here to tell you that grieving your past self is bad. Nor will I encourage you to suppress your grief. However, I do urge you to grieve in a manner that does not put down any version of yourself. There is great power in accepting and loving the version you once were which allowed you to become the version you are today. Consequently, your aspirations to grow beyond your current self are only made possible due to who you are today.

I leave you with a simple message: You did not become who you are today without the help of who you were yesterday.

Take care,

Ruchi.