People-pleasing: Why you say 'yes' when you really want to say 'no'

Do you find yourself agreeing to plans you don’t really want to attend, taking on extra work when your plate is already full, or saying “yes” out of guilt rather than genuine willingness? If these situations sound all too familiar, you may be stuck in the exhausting cycle of people-pleasing - a pattern rooted in deep-seated fears of rejection, guilt, or the desire to be perceived as a “good” person.

But, where does this come from? And more importantly, how can you break free from this cycle?

Why we become people-pleasers

At its core, people-pleasing isn’t just about being "nice" - it’s about seeking validation and avoiding discomfort at all costs. Psychology suggests that this tendency often stems from early experiences:

Fear of rejection – If you grew up in an environment where love or approval felt conditional - based on achievement, obedience, or keeping the peace - you may have learned that saying yes = being accepted. Over time, this creates a deep fear that saying no will lead to disconnection or conflict.

Conflict avoidance – If disagreements in your past led to punishment and withdrawal, your brain may have linked saying “no” with risk and discomfort. As a result, agreeing to things (even when you don’t want to) becomes a form of self-protection. This is commonly linked to anxious attachment styles which you can read more on here.

Self-worth tied to helpfulness – Many people-pleasers believe their value comes from what they can do for others, rather than who they are. The thought of disappointing someone can trigger anxiety, guilt, or feelings of inadequacy.

Over time, these patterns turn into automatic behaviours, where saying “yes” becomes the default—no matter the cost. And, saying “no” can feel selfish.

The hidden cost of people-pleasing

On the surface, being agreeable seems like a good trait. And to an extent, it is. Healthy relationships thrive on kindness and reciprocity. But chronic people-pleasing is different, it’s rooted in fear and desire to be perceived a certain way - with the personal cost of it running deep.

Burnout & resentment – Constantly prioritising others over yourself leaves you drained, overwhelmed, and secretly frustrated. You might find yourself asking, “Why do I always have to be the one to help?”

Loss of identity – When your choices revolve around pleasing others, it becomes harder to know what YOU truly want. Your own needs take a backseat, and if done chronically, people-pleasing keeps them there.

Weakened boundaries – If the people around you know you’ll always say yes, they’ll keep asking - even when it’s unfair, unrealistic, or beyond your capacity. This not only weakens your boundaries, it makes it even more difficult to repair them.

How to break free from people-pleasing

The good news is that people-pleasing is a habit, and like any habit, it can be unlearned. Here’s where to start:

Pause before responding – The next time someone asks for something, resist the urge to immediately say “yes.” Instead, check in with yourself, and ask: Do I actually want to do this? If the answer is no, you don’t owe anyone an immediate “yes”.

Recognise that ‘no’ is not a dirty word – Reframing your understanding of ‘no’ as self-respect and NOT selfishness can do wonders.

Set boundaries without over-explaining – A simple “I can’t commit to that right now” is enough. You don’t need to justify, apologise, or feel guilty. Over-explaining often invites negotiation or pressure to change your mind. For chronic people-pleasers, any persistence after setting a boundary can make you more likely to succumb.

Practice tolerating discomfort – At first, saying no might feel awkward or anxiety-inducing. That’s normal. You might worry about disappointing others. But the more you do it, the easier it gets. Between setting healthy boundaries and remaining resentful towards those you love, you NEED to choose your hard.

Reframe your thinking – Before you consider how someone might feel if you say ‘no’, consider how you would feel continuously sacrificing your energy. Boundaries aren’t about pushing others away - they’re about honouring your own well-being and keeping a healthy environment for flourishing relationships.

People-pleasing can feel like the safer route, but in the long-run, it keeps you stuck in a cycle of exhaustion and self-neglect. It’s time to rewrite the script: Your worth isn’t measured by what and how much you can do for others. Say ‘yes’ when you mean it, and ‘no’ when you don’t - guilt-free.

With warmth and encouragement,

Ruchi.