Self-compassion vs. Complacency: Are you being kind to yourself or just making excuses?
ISelf-compassion is having its moment. Whatever book you read, whatever podcast you listen to, there’s talk about treating yourself with kindness, silencing your inner critic, and embracing imperfection. Honestly, I think this is amazing. With the rise in social media that opens many avenues through which we can compare ourselves, self-compassion is exactly what this world needs more of. However, like most things, too much of anything can be harmful. At what point does self-compassion turn into self-sabotage? How much “compassion” does it take to reach stagnancy and endless excuses?
The fine line between self-compassion and complacency is real, and navigating it is key to ensuring genuine personal growth.
What Is Self-Compassion (and What It Isn’t)?
This blog came to mind when watching an episode of ‘The Imperfects’. In this episode, Dr Emily defines self-compassion as, “a sense of care and concern for ourselves in combination with a desire to alleviate suffering.” In this sense, there are three main components to self-compassion:
Self-kindness: The act of approaching ourselves with warmth and understanding instead of an overly self-critical lens is crucial to self-compassion.
Common humanity: This component is all about recognising that the struggle is part of the human experience, not a personal failure.
Mindfulness: What often separates self-compassion from complacency is the acknowledgement of emotions and challenges without exaggeration or suppression.
What self-compassion isn’t: a free pass to avoid responsibility, growth, or discomfort.
When Self-Compassion Becomes Complacency
The issue that arises with too much “compassion” is when the lines are blurred and self-compassion turns into self-indulgence. When the factor of mindfulness is absent, it is likely to distort our understanding of self-compassion. The exaggeration, suppression, or any other dealing of emotions other than free feeling can harm this. For example:
Self-compassion: “I didn’t eat the best today, and that’s okay. I reached for what was convenient. I’ll try again tomorrow.”
Complacency: “I didn’t eat the best today, but I’ve been so stressed - I deserve to take a break. I’ll start next week. Or maybe next month when things are easier.”
See the difference? One acknowledges a setback while maintaining accountability. The other uses kindness as an excuse to stay within the comfort zone.
The Psychology of Growth: Balancing Kindness and Accountability
Self-criticism doesn’t actually make us more productive - it makes us anxious, fearful, and prone to avoidance. Self-compassion, on the other hand, allows us to take responsibility for our actions and choices whilst working towards improvement.
The key to self-compassion is balanced self-reflection - being honest about what’s holding you back without falling into either extreme:
Harsh self-judgement: “I’m so lazy and undisciplined. If everyone else can, why can’t I just get it together?”
Excuse-making: “I’m not making any progress, but that’s okay - this is just who I am. I can’t force myself to change.”
Balance self-reflection: “I’ve struggled with consistency, and that’s okay, What small steps can I take today to improve?”
How to Practice Self-Compassion Without Slipping Into Complacency
Check Your Self-Talk
Ask yourself: Am I being honest with myself, or am I justifying avoidance? Self-compassion sounds like, “I’m struggling with this, and I can still move forward.”Set Gentle, Realistic Goals
Instead of rigid expectations (“I must cook healthy meals five times a week”), set flexible yet firm commitments (“I’ll eat home cooked meals three times a week and prioritise nutrition”).Embrace Discomfort as Part of Growth
Dr Emily referred to the “desire to alleviate suffering” as an element of self-compassion. Rather than viewing this as the complete avoidance of discomfort, view it as choosing your hard. Real self-compassion isn’t about avoiding hard things—it’s about supporting yourself through them. Alleviate the suffering of staying stuck, don’t confuse your growth for suffering. Choose your hard.
Self-compassion isn’t about lowering the bar—it’s about supporting yourself in clearing it. The next time you catch yourself in the self-compassion vs. complacency debate, ask: “Am I being kind to myself in a way that fosters growth?” If the answer is yes, you’re on the right track.
With warmth,
Ruchi.