Love languages: Why understanding them can strengthen your relationship
In the month of love, we will be diving into all sorts of topics surrounding relationships. Last week, we looked into self-love and how shifting the language of our inner critic can make the change from complacency to self-compassion. This week, we’re looking into how love languages can strengthen your relationship. If you’ve ever had a conversation with your partner that sounds something like: “Why don’t you ever say ‘I love you’?” vs. “But I just took your car to get serviced!”—then you’ve probably run into the great divide of love languages.
A concept that was coined and introduced since the ‘90s has since become one of pop-psychology’s favourite topics. But beyond the buzz, understanding how you and your partner express love can genuinely improve your relationship.
The five love languages (and why they matter)
The theory of love languages suggests that people tend to give and receive love in one (or more) of five ways:
Words of affirmation – Love in the form of verbal validation. Think compliments, “I love yous,” and heartfelt text messages.
Acts of service – Love as doing rather than saying—washing the dishes, running errands, or handling life’s little burdens.
Receiving gifts – Love through thoughtful gestures, whether it’s a surprise coffee or a grand romantic gesture.
Quality time – Love as undivided attention, deep conversations, and intentional togetherness.
Physical touch – Love through physical manifestations of affection.
Sounds simple enough, right? Not quite. The issue seems to be less about understanding the different types and more about the discrepancies between people who express love differently.
Why love languages actually work (psychologically speaking)
While there isn’t a whole lot of scientific backing for love languages, I think we can all attest to the principle that we are pulled to give and receive love in one (or more) of the five listed ways above.
At their core, love languages are believed to align with our attachment styles and ways of receiving emotional validation. (Psst, we’ll touch on attachment theory next week!) If you and your partner are tuned into each other’s love languages, you’re essentially meeting their emotional needs in a way that resonates with them.
For instance, someone with an anxious attachment style might crave words of affirmation as a way of receiving reassurance in a relationship, while someone with an avoidant attachment style might prefer acts of service as actions speak louder than words. Understanding these preferences fosters connection and helps both partners feel valued.
How to use love languages in your relationship
There are many love and relationship gurus, coaches, and unsolicited advisers out there. Before you embrace love languages, consider your why. If your answer is anything other than to improve your connection with your partner and foster a healthy relationship where effort goes both ways, then you need to think again!
With that being said, if this blog has enticed you to embrace love languages, read on!
Learn your own love language.
It seems to be that we look to understand others before ourselves most of the time. Before diagnosing your partner, figure out what makes you feel most loved. Think about the five love languages and in which ways you prefer love to be expressed and to receive.
2. Learn your partner’s love language.
The next step? Don’t assume their needs mirror yours. Have a genuine, honest conversation with your partner and ask them how they like to express and receive love. Remember that there is no right answer, and if your love languages don’t align, it’s not their fault. Or yours!
3. Compromise, not convert.
Your love language isn’t an excuse to demand certain behaviours. Instead, it informs your partner. Meet each other halfway—intentional effort matters.
4. Don’t overthink it.
In the drive to strengthen your relationship, it’s important to not overlook what really matters. Love languages are tools, not rigid rules. If your partner’s “thing” is quality time, you don’t need to plan extravagant date nights— sometimes, putting your phone away and being present is enough.
At the end of the day, love languages aren’t magic, but they’re a great way to decode what makes your partner feel truly appreciated. When we take the time to communicate our needs and understand our partner’s, we create a relationship built on mutual appreciation, effort, and deeper emotional connection.
With warmth,
Ruchi.