Can you change your attachment style? The science of secure attachment

Attachment theory suggests that the way we connect with others—whether we seek closeness, fear intimacy, or find comfort in relationships—stems from early childhood experiences. But here’s the big question: Are we stuck with the attachment style we developed in childhood, or can we change it?

The good news? Attachment styles aren’t set in stone. While early experiences shape us, our brains are adaptable, and with awareness and effort, we can move toward more secure relationships.

What is attachment style, and why does it matter?

Attachment theory explains how early relationships with caregivers influence how we connect with others throughout life. The four main attachment styles are:

  • Secure – Comfortable with intimacy and independence

  • Anxious – Craves closeness but fears abandonment

  • Avoidant – Values independence and keeps others at arm’s length

  • Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganised) – A mix of craving closeness and fearing it

These attachment patterns typically stem from the way our caregivers responded to our emotional needs as children. Where consistent and responsive parenting are associated with secure attachments, unpredictable and disorganised parenting are associated with anxious attachments. Further, discouragement of emotional expression may lead to avoidant attachment, and those who experienced neglect may notice fearful-avoidant attachment patterns within themselves.

The tricky thing with attachment styles is we can dissect and overanalyse them as much as possible, but if our attachment style and behaviours aren’t serving us, can we shift them?

The science of change: Why attachment styles aren’t permanent

Neuroplasticity—the brain’s ability to rewire itself—suggests that, yes, change is possible. Research shows that new experiences, especially in relationships, can help reshape attachment patterns. While early bonds are influential, they aren’t a life sentence.

In childhood, our attachment style develops almost as a survival mechanism. Whether through hyper-awareness of connection or shutting down emotional needs, we adapt to the situation. However, our brains remain adaptable into adulthood, and new, healthier experiences can help adjust our patterns.

How therapy and self-awareness can reshape attachment

One of the most powerful tools for changing attachment patterns is therapy. Working with a therapist—especially one trained in attachment-based or trauma-informed therapy—can help unpack past experiences, identify unhelpful patterns, and develop healthier ways of relating to others.

  • Therapy provides a safe space for reflection – Many of our attachment wounds stem from unconscious fears and unmet needs from childhood. A therapist can help bring these patterns to the surface and work through them in a supportive environment.

  • Reparenting yourself – Therapy can help you learn how to meet your own emotional needs in a way that your caregivers may not have been able to. This might look like practicing self-soothing, learning to trust others, or setting healthy boundaries. Inner-child healing is crucial to this.

  • Building secure experiences – Over time, therapy allows you to develop a “secure base” within yourself, making it easier to form balanced and fulfilling relationships.

Self-awareness is another crucial piece. Even outside of therapy, paying attention to your reactions, triggers, and relationship patterns can help you consciously make different choices.

  • If you tend to pull away when things get serious, try noticing what fears come up and gently challenge them.

  • If you cling to reassurance in relationships, practice self-soothing and remind yourself that your worth isn’t dependent on external validation.

  • If you struggle to trust others, reflect on where that fear comes from and consider whether the present situation actually reflects past wounds.

While our attachment style may feel ingrained, it is not unchangeable. With self-awareness, new experiences, and professional guidance, we can move toward more secure relationships—where connection feels safe, fulfilling, and genuinely supportive.

Change is possible, and it starts with small, intentional steps.

With warmth,

Ruchi.

Madeleine Stone