When toxic positivity harms healing
“Just stay positive.”
“Look on the bright side…”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
If you’ve ever opened up about something deeply painful and heard these words before, you’ll understand how disheartening it can be. These words and perspectives are meant to be comforting, but they feel anything but that.
This is toxic positivity in action - the insistence on maintaining a “positive”, cheerful attitude no matter how you feel or what has happened. On the surface, it sounds nice, but this escapist mindset can cause more harm than good. When you’re in the thick of emotional pain, these statements invalidate and alienate our emotions and experiences.
So, what exactly is toxic positivity?
Toxic positivity is a harmful belief that we should maintain a positive mindset no matter how distressing a situation is. It’s harmful because it doesn’t create space for grief, frustration, anger, or fear - all of which are normal, healthy responses to painful experiences.
Many aspects of our world glorify a sense of resilience that may really just be masked discomfort with negative emotions. The pressure to appear okay precedes actually being okay. This culture of over-emphasising happiness and positivity is rooted in subtle suggestions that any emotion other than happiness is a problem to be solved. In such an environment, the very real and raw experience of sadness is invalidated. Healing becomes performative and struggling is perceived as weakness.
Why is this message perpetuated? Probably due to the overall discomfort with pain. As humans, we have a tendency to turn away from pain. Lingering in it seems counterintuitive. But, as you may know, we need to feel to heal. We cannot achieve genuine contentment and uplifted mindsets without addressing the deeper roots of our unhappiness.
Well-meaning words that hurt
When our friends and family attempt to comfort us, they may unintentionally reinforce toxic-positive thought patterns. While there isn’t much harm in suggesting a lighter perspective during a dark time, it isn’t necessarily helpful or comforting if it simultaneously invalidates what you are experiencing right now. A dismissive tone when addressing painful experiences doesn’t allow for emotional honesty and instead pushes us towards shame for feeling anything other than positive.
Emotional honesty
Being honest with yourself and how you are feeling is paramount in the healing journey. We cannot heal what we do not allow ourselves to feel. Yes, our painful experiences do give rise to life lessons. Yes, there typically is light at the end of the tunnel. But, this does not dismiss the present moment and the present experience. And the truth is, the present moment of pain is uncomfortable. This very discomfort is what we face before we get to the post-pain lessons.
Healing comes from self-compassion and the courage to sit with discomfort.
With warmth and encouragement,
Ruchi.